drunken ramblings

I must say, I'm very content with my life. Right now I'm feeling rather whimsical and very much like a yuppy, reveling in my modest decadence, enjoying some cranberry-apple wine, multi-grain trader jooe's entertainment crackers, and sharp chedder cheese... while writing a blog entry. Hahaha... the world economy is going to shit and here I am being blissful, oh what a lovely contrast. I could see how this might come off as bragging, but if you were so easily offended, I doubt you'd be reading my blog in the first place. But back to the regularly scheduled broadcast....



It's hard to say exactly what I want to talk about in this entry. I have in front of me nearly two pages of notes—ideas more accurately, but a natural grouping cannot be easily put on them. But in essence, I would like to talk about my philosophy towards friends, how I form relationships and friendships, and how I perceive the world – fuck this I'm drunk this is going to be a raw ass blog entry and you'll love it.

I'm fucking weird with friends. I dont' know anyone really who has or maintains friendships quite like me. I don't know if it's because I'm just that fucking good or if it's because everyone else just doesn't give a shit and is really selective, but this is how it is:

I have a lot of different types of friends. That is to say, I get a long with a lot of different groups of people, can interact seemlessly with them, and float between them. This has pretty much been true my entire life, I've usually had rather mutually exclusive groups of friends. In case you don't know what mutually exclusive means, that means they dont' really intermix or fit with each other that well. I don't know why, but I never take it upon myself to try to integrate or mix my friends. If I have a group of friends, I tend to just hang out with them and go with their flow, rather than ever try to pull two groups or peoples together to make them buddies. There are some exceptions, but they're mainly far and few between!

So you must be thinking (or probably not, but thanks for not thinking that so it gives me a talking point!), wtf dude, I'm your friend, how come I never heard about your other friends? You have friends? I thought you were just a fucking loser! Hahaha, I know you don't think that, but let me tell you all about my various types of friends and then you can try to guess which group you fit in....

I have hard friends, soft friends, family friends, non-friends, situational friends and the such. I feel all my friends kinda fall into the same silos and are pushed towards groupings. My hard friends are the friends that really meet a large criteria base, I'm fucking picky about my friends, so here's what it takes to be hardcore friend:
I need to find value in maintaining the friendship
it needs to be fucking reciprical
you need to be receptive to very “out there” ideas
you need to be a non-aggressive, open minded person. You can be critical but not overly judgemental. There is a fine line that quickly turns to disgust for me.
You either need to have admirable traits or share my values. But you can't be my fucking mimic.

It's weird, I'm really lazy with maintaining friendships. At the same time, I'm relaly good at making friends, but not fusing with others. I don't think I know anyone that really hates me, and that's probably why I have a good amount of friends. But at the same time, I really passively make new friends. Or not, I dont' know.

At some level I feel like your friends are your spokemens. That is to say, you are very much judged by the company you keep, but for me, much of the company I keep does not overlap perfectly and their value set cannot therefore be clearly defined. Thus, I am a fucking awesome omnivore universal friend. Let me too my own horn some more, I am awesome! YEAAAAAAH!

Why the fuck do people make drunk blog so incoherent? Clearly mien is not. Hahaha fuck you, I'm not being serious.

I like when people I hate like me. It gives me some satisfaction that I can adapt to a very hostile environment in which I want nothing more than to make the person's life utterly miserable but realize it's not beneficial so I instead make the most of the situation and charm the asshole into liking me. Fuck you person who likes me, I fucking hate you. You don't know who you are.

At the same time, I fucking HATE maintaining relationships. If it wasn't for the fact that I need friends to fucking make sure I'm not insane, prevent me from being utterly depressed, and to escape the reverberations of hearing my own voice in my own head, to provide contrast and perspective into my own life, I would never fucking have friends. It takes so much energy to maintain friendships! For fucks sake, it's so easy to take care of yourself. That's all I've ever wanted to do, just be self-reliant, why the hell does it seem like nobod yfucking else can. People either fawn over some fucking lover to try to make their life complete or reduce their life to social event after social event. Fuck you losers, I'm going to hang out by myself and continue to improve against my own standard while you continue to seek others to compare towards you. Your shit does stink. You're not as good as you think you are. Fuck you.

FUCK FUCASDFUYASDFJKASDF

I love the word fuck.

Fuck.


FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK


ahahahahahaha


Yeah, I should stop drinking, but I can't. It's taken over.

Really, though, while I'm being honest, let me all let you in on a secret: I'm always judging you. I'm always evaluating you. There are so many thoughts I never say to your face that I feel. If you feel, no, not feel, but KNOW this isn't the case, then you are probably the few people in this world that I fucking consider to be a real true friend. You are the people I love. You are the greatest. Is it because you share some values that I share and therefore it's some circular way of loving myself? Id ont' fucking know. I don't care. All I know is that w/o people like you, I might go insane. But you know what, asshole, friendships require constant sacrifice. You need to bite your tongue or quite frankily you're going to offended the asshole you are so benevolent to call a friend, and ruin everything. It's funny, because this same sacsrifice is always what makes people hate each other. They become so afraid and bite their tonguse so much that they never fucking tell people how much they hate what they're doing until it escalates irreperably. They shoulda saw it comeing, but people are dumb and don't.

[Edit: Removed Personal Paragraph]

Hi. Welcome back to Brian brain dump 101. Fuckkkkkkkkkkk, who is going to read this besides me? I'm too embarressed to re-read this probbaly. But I probably should. I mus tbe more mentally discipline like stevie. Good old stevie. You're a fucking good friend. Hahaha nobody else who's a good friend is going to get an explicit hello, so you'll just have to guess. Well, I'll tell you if you relaly want to know, but chances are it'll be WAY too awkward after reading this shit.

Going back to how I make friendships, I think it's safe to say for the most part I avoid negatives. That it to say, I try my hardest to never hurt someone else's feelings. In fact, I take my time to scout out what new groups of friends are, establish what I believe their beliefs systems are, and then begin in the most politically neutral way to confront them. I think I do this so formally and non-chalanelty tha tmost people don't realize, but once I get the lay of the land, I definitely start become more and more raw with you. With that being said, I like to avoid negatives and confrontation like the plague. I try to focus purely on positives and always try to redirect conversations and confrontations towards resolutions, even at the sacrifice of myself. To me, I've never been one to NOT sacrifice short term pleasures (or lack of displeasures) for long term gains. I live in the future, I live for the future, and the only way to have a brighter future is to get over the problems of today and not postpone them. I feel mots people dont' realize this.

I find it really interesting to study how other people interact with each other. In a sense, I love to be an observer. I've always been one. I'm kinda introverted in the first plcae, so I am impressionable, and have tried to contort myself to other people, but I never really could figure out how adults/ other people could interact and get along with other people, until Ir ealized something: they most often don't. People avoid confrontation and uncomfortabale situations really really hard, even when they may not necessarily know why they think it's uncofomrotable. I think people judge a lot of shit in retrospect.\

But like, I know how I make friends. I am adaptable. I am flexible. But how the fuck do other people do it! They don't! They just avoid other people and cling to like minded individuals. Am I really so different? No. But I think I do thrive in intermediate zones a lot better than other people, and I definitely don't let myself become insulated from those I dislike. As I said before, I like when people I hate like me.

GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING INCOHERENT AND NON-SEQUITOR. FUCK I NEED TO DO MAJOR EDITIONG. MAYBE I'LL LET ONE PERSON READ IT OVER BEFORE.

You want a conclusion? You want a summary? Fuck that, I'm too drunk to write one, all you'll get is this gem: Facts hold not merit or value unless they can be applied to knowledge. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


I LOVE SAYING WHAT I REALLY FEEL. I NEVER USED TO DO THIS SO UNADULTERATED, BUT SPEWING MY RAW EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. AND THE BEST PART IS, I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE LOVE TO HEAR IT, BECAUSE WHAT I FEEL/SAY IS WHAT THEY CONNECT WITH.