Catchup Crap & Random Thoughts

It's been far and away too long since I've updated this. I have a feeling I'm getting in the habit of saying that. I suppose I can be a broken record too! Ha. But, I'm going to redeem myself with another freewrite, hopefully bringing people up to speed on what's going on in my life and what's going through the thought processes, but probably, I'll just wind up on some tangent instead.

Let's start with today. It's been raining like we should be investing in archs. I dont' really mind though, since it's not snow, but it made my commutes quite long today. However, the weather itself did wind up working its way into a nice flirtacious conversation I had with a cute cashier at trader joe's. Too bad I think she was probably like 18. I find that the girls who go to and work at Trader Joe's tend to be more attractive than normal. I dunno though! Maybe I just like the store and it's more crowded than most others.
This entry is sucking horribly thus far. Does anyone find this crap remotely interesting?

I suppose I can always deviate back to the topic of conversation that perpetually rolls through my mind and that's myself, my self improvement, how I think I think different than most other people, and my push towards being more “gregariousness.” Tim told me on Saturday at the Boston Blazers lacrosse game that he is using me for my general gregariousness. I find that hilarious, considering at the heart of it, my inclinations are to be a very shy person. I have the heart of an introvert and the skin of an extrovert. But alas, pain is power.
Oh yeah, here's an excerpt from a conversation I had with Tox the other day. I find it sums up the thoughts I've been having in regards to my life since I've been writing in this conversation, since I've had that conversation with my brother way back when:

(9:58:36 PM) dizdique: do I look like that kinda tool?
(9:58:49 PM) dizdique: who derives happiness from such a singular source
(9:59:26 PM) dizdique: no. I'm toasty. So fucking relativisitic that I get joy from so many sources that they all kinda become insignificant next to each other and to achive and sense of absolute value becomes a fucking act of futility
(9:59:41 PM) Mike Smith Toxicology: you seem like you're very clever in how you go through life
(10:01:47 PM) Mike Smith Toxicology: you do what you have to do to be "successful" from an outward perspective, because you recognize there are hoops that no man can avoid if he wants to have a minimum of comfort and happiness

but you don't buy into most of the social construct bullshit, and you mostly choose the path that maximizes your own satsifaction and success, avoiding the pitfalls of pursuing one or the other to its fullest

basically you're a walking talking Venn Diagram
(10:04:48 PM) dizdique: damn
(10:04:49 PM) dizdique: thank you
(10:04:59 PM) dizdique: that's often how I perceive myself
(10:05:11 PM) dizdique: I didn't think I made that aspect of myself blatent
(10:05:14 PM) Mike Smith Toxicology: haha
(10:05:17 PM) Mike Smith Toxicology: I'm just that good
(10:05:19 PM) dizdique: and I've never had someone else comment on it so succinctly
(10:05:27 PM) dizdique: well, comment on it it at all
(10:05:30 PM) dizdique: most people just praise me
(10:05:38 PM) dizdique: which in some sense is flattering but also sickening
(10:05:44 PM) dizdique: it's like, is my ruse really working that well
(10:05:51 PM) dizdique: do people not see through this thin guise?
(10:05:51 PM) Mike Smith Toxicology: hahaha
(10:05:57 PM) Mike Smith Toxicology: I know what you mean
(10:06:05 PM) dizdique: do people not fucking realize that even though I'm successful I'm just a fucking ant amongst giants?
(10:06:23 PM) dizdique: I'm not really effecting change, sure, compared to you I'm a god, but compared to the idols of society I'm nothing

This touches upon so many points of self-reflection. I truly do believe that I think incredibly different than most of society. What I've read about autism/narcissim/sociopaths, I really think that my mind ticks quite a bit differently than most others. I'm quite glad about it too, but it doesn't come without and downsides either. But I don't think I experience emotions in the same way that most other people do. I don't really get extremely emotional. I am not driven that impulsively. So while I'm capable of seeing the (irrational) emotions, instincts, and mannerisms of others, I don't really relate entirely. Fortunately, I'm not completely off the rocker and do have some emotional capability, but for a long period of my life they were misunderstood and mostly repressed.

That isn't to say that I'm a very wildly emotional person now, I've just been able to let myself experience them once again. They are still entirely under wraps. That's why almost nobody hears me being a mopey or upset person. That's why people think I'm generally outgoing and a bubbly person. It's why I'm capable of talking to complete strangers. I'm just good at putting on a facade. I'm good at blending in and slipping through the cracks of every group, so that nobody perceives me as a threat. By being noticed you are more easily ignored, at least, that's what I find.
It's hard to really relate to other people what the mush of a man I am. It's hard to really transpose my abstract thoughts into something that will interest and entice people, but that's where my mind is a good amount of the time. It's how I really feel emotionally too. Most things in life are rather just bland to me, but to the rest of the world they're spicy and exciting. I have to play along and give the impression to others that that's how the world is to me as well, and that I can show them even more interesting and new parts to entertain them, but that's not really what I ever want to resolve or talk about. Most things tangible are already solved. It's the unknowns that fascinate me. The ability and power to be a charasmatic person. The inner workings of society and code and writing and people's motivations. Those nebulous concepts. I like to wield those. Unfortunately, I am not good at being a complete hermit so I get the compulsion to interact with the rest of the world in the wake of sadness otherwise and I socialize.

I'm boring myself writing about this so let's switch topics.

I've been working more and more on talking to new people. As I said before, I was commented on my gregarious nature. It's due in part that I've been thinking about more and more how I want to be a leader. How I want to be able to more easily manipulate my feelings and be an outgoing and sociable person and at the same time not hate myself for being phony. In short, this requires to make myself into an interesting person, who has interesting stories, and/or at least have interesting things to talk about. After all, people are just perpetually bored walking through life, seeking entertainment, and it's a much more special thing to have entertainment personalized in the form of a conversation than it is to derive through secondary means like television or Internet, but, also more risky. Plus, all guys like talking about girls, and talking about how to talk to girls, so, at very least, I need dem there braggin' rights. Isn't my source of motivation wonderful?

So, let's see, what else has been going on in my life. I visited Columbus, OH on a customer visit. I wound up staying with Stevie for the weekend which was awesome. I went snowboarding in VA, while hanging out with my old high school friend Jason Richmond. I also snowboarded over Valentine's day weekend. Tutoring has been going fairly well. I went to a party in Amherest this weekend, which was a nice little deviation and reminiscent of the old college day parties. Oh wait, the parties in college kinda sucked for the most part. Haha, oh well.

I've been really slipping on my personal goals. I haven't written in this journal, nor studying a language since I've been back. I haven't even been doing my pushups and situps daily, mainly due to the fact I bruised my ribs learning to snowboard. Whatever, it was worth it. It was fun as fuck being able to go down the hill without hurting myself! I really need to get a firmer grasp on accomplishing shit. I even went to far as to creating goals for myself awhile back. Let's go revisit those to see how much progress I haven't been making:

1.Become solid with French, Portuguese, Spanish. Practice 6x a month
1.Wine Riot is in April! Gotta get decent at French by then.
2.Go snowboarding. Should be easy considering you've already made travel plans.
3.Maintain exercising. 3X a week is good. Be able to do 50 pushups / 100 situps daily by year end
4.Write your own fictional story
5.Develop the personal goal tracking website
6.Get a raise at work
7.Go traveling again, probably south American
8.Learn a new technical skill and/or ability for programming
9.Learn more math skills
10.Finish my magnum opus for TM
11.get new walrus painting
12.stop all your bad habits: scratching psorisis, biting callus, finger nails

Hmm, well, we're done with 2.5 months out of 12, and I've accomplished the snowbarding bit. I've thought about all of the above consistently though, which is a good sign, but haven't really made particular progress on any of them. I think I should also add to the list start my campaign to be elected for president. I've got 12 years until I'm 35, so if I start now, it'll give me plenty of campaigning time. I should also add to that list writing in my blog at least 2x a month. I have, at least, been writing fairly often in my own personal journal. Maybe I should publish that as well. I'd probably need to edit it a lot, and considering it's now 52 pages, single spaced, that's a fuck-ton of reading. Any volunteers?

I guess I've been thinking about women a lot as well. I've been reconsidering what role I really want them to play in my life. The way I think about it right now I'm a fairly hot commodity. I'm a moderately attractive package for women, and I'm only going up in life. So, in essence, I think I'm fair market value for a woman that's:
a) Highly Attractive
b) Someone that is around the same point in life as far as self improvement goes. Someone who would be motivate me and push me as well as I her. Someone that's actually trying to continue improving in life, and not someone looking to cling to greatness. I need some balance, I can't always be the fucking teacher, but as fucked up as it sounds, I feel most people I encounter don't have much to teach me or methods to motivate me.

So that eliminates like 99.9% of the girl population damn quick. Tim told me I should probably look into older girls, which makes sense. It's just hard because I'm generally attracted to younger, slim girls. Oh well. When I'm seeking someone and something that's not a distraction but a means of amelioration, I am gonna have a hard time.

Maybe I should make a website for autistic dating. Or a website to rally the youth of america who are too young to be elected, but want to run for office someday. Or maybe I can actually work on my personal tracking website. Or maybe I can make a webcomic and become famous like xkcd. I'll probably wind up finishing at least a half dozen trackmania maps before any of those things happen. This is where having an excited partner in one of these projects would greatly help! Self motivation is tough.

Anyway, I fasted today (for health reasons), so I'm looking forward to going to sleep to wake up for breakfast. I've felt that I've been in a rut as far as self control and productivity in general (which I give myself minor consolation in that I have been relatively busy with life-events), so, I'm going have a week of sobriety. I've been tracking my mood & alcohol/other stuff consumption on a site medhelp.org and the results are fairly stunning. A cunning stunt of consumption... or something.
Yeah I'm done now. Hope you liked this random brain dump crap.