There and Here Again

I’m sitting in the office. Procrastinating. Which is rather unwise considering that I’m fairly behind schedule. But I need a mental break, and I think this is what this will provide me. It’s a better- or at least feels like a more worthwhile distraction than my usual tendency to read online articles-- which has preoccupied the vast majority of my “spare” time. I say spare, because really it’s just time that I’ve spent at work not doing actual work. Or "spare" time I’ve spent at home without a more meaningful activity grasping my attention.

My life is going pretty well. I’m happy. I’ve been for awhile. If I had to pick, I'd say the greatest negativity I’ve been feeling recently is the absence of impetus. I really don't have something right now pulling me. The last thing I had was getting a new job, but that endeavor has been swiftly vanquished. And now I'm back without a great compelling cause, but I cannot say with anything more than a mild degree of certainty that this is anything nothing new. It's rare I actually want to accomplish something and I don't, and quickly. Case in point, my most recent "push" in life has been getting a new job, and it didn't take long to satiate that urge. So, save for the perpetual hard-wired pursuit of women, my life has been on auto-pilot for a long time.

Speaking of which, the relationship with Tessa continues to be one of those things that work out so well you almost take it for granted. I occasionally have to stop and reflect on just how wonderful we really have it, how functional and unperverse our relationship is, and how rare such an arrangement is. Our relationship is very similar to my general mental state, where the “worst” times are laughable in the grand scheme of things. The core is rock-solid stable. Though, I almost feel that the term rock-solid hardly applies. In a way, it implies that there is a storm to be weathered, the elements and life thrusting and trying to erode an extremely resistant foundation. But that's not applicable to us. There are no tempest-like fights brewing or to even be encountered. So it’s hard to even measure the resilience, since problems are non-existent for all intents and purposes. Nothing has come even close to being an issue, as everything is resolved effortlessly. Our most extreme worst of times is one of us being slightly annoyed at the other and wanting to be left alone for a little while. If that doesn't signal eminent disaster is right around the corner, I don't know what does.

So, I feel in the grand cyclical nature of life I’ve wound up in a similar place I was a few years ago (see the part about my chat with George), just further along the path. My relationship is already spoken for. Financially, I’m very well positioned and my new job entails blissful, stress-free working environment. My social life is strong; nothing I’d call flourishing or overflowing, but I’ve got plenty of friends, and open avenues of friendship I could I expand upon if I so desired. I admit I haven’t maintained every single friendship that’s crossed my path, and certainly have let a few go stale, but none that I’d say I’ve exactly closed the door on either. There’s simply a limit on the amount of intimate personal connections one can maintain without overextending yourself (or are simply worth that level of maintenance), and that my personal friendship capacity simply waxes and wanes with time and circumstance. In short, my circle of friends is very adequate.

So, I'm now here again: a point where it's difficult to describe how I feel with the entirety of my personal Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs fulfilled. It’s almost akin to feeling as if I’m in a void, without any of the usual negative implications. I have nothing to run from. Nothing really extremely compelling to run towards either. I’m practically floating in space, with the only tug being the nearly imperceivable pull of time. Where to go from here... where to go from here... Will I be posting this very same message in a couple of years?